I think my fart just growled at me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
