I need to stop coming to work sober
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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