i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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