After last night, I could never be a politician.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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