so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
