What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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