Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
