she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
