I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
