your parents love me but you hate me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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