i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
