So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
