Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
