the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
