I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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