Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
