I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i love accidental penises.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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