You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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