So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
