Ambien. No doubt about it.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
