All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
two words...techno handjob
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
