Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
