omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
