I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
that is very illegal...i love you.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
