my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
