she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
