dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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