last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
