Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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