Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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