lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
