I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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