I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
