How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
