There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize