when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
