he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
