tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
it glows. i had to have it.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
