..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
