there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
