Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
