Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
