remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
