He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
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