Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
