Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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