He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just pee around me
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
