Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
