look no pants
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I need moral support for this bender
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
