Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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