Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
