I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
