I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
