my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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