lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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