I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
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