I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
