Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
