I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
