So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
