i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
