While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
